Don’t Overthink It
Thanks to the current state of the world we live in I’ve spent quite a bit more time alone then normal. I’m just about to finish another quarantine period away from my wife and daughter as a precaution due to my risk level of catching this virus at work because of possible exposure. It doesn’t get any easier sending the loves of your life away the second time, even if it’s for a few days. I know the other member of Dad Hats (Brandon Morales) on the Barker has also been through this awful separation and it was tough on him as well. Being new fathers, the last thing we want is to be isolated from our family.
This second round of quarantine I have spent a good deal of time reflecting, staying positive, and looking forward with a proactive mindset. I would not be dragged down into pit of sorrow. Not again. This time I would stay afloat and keep my head right.
Of all the things that have ran through my mind during this last week in relation to my time with and without my daughter is who I want her to become. Not being present weighs heavy on me as I cannot interact with her, show her my smiling face, console her when she’s upset, feed her when she’s hungry, or change her when soiled.
These are your common “run-of-the-mill” daddy (or mom) duties, but they are so much more than that. Being present for these moments allows me to lay the foundation for her image of me as a father. They also play an initial role of shaping her as a person.
This introduces the question: what kind of person do I want her to be?
That’s what my goal is right? To shape her into to something ideal from my wife and I’s perspective?
When I say it out loud, it sounds pretty selfish. Is it? Maybe I’m being too hard on myself.
Maybe it is more important how she receives her environment. Being able to roll with the punches life throws at you can be an invaluable skill that can carry you in all scenarios. Through the tough times she may be exposed to, she should be able to keep a level head, take information in, and react accordingly in all of life’s fight or flight moments.
On the other hand, what you do to affect your community and environment seems just as important. She should be willing and able to make an impact in the situations that matter.
Maybe the most important thing we can do for her is to give her the confidence to always make the choice she feels is right. Or possibly to have an open mind to be flexible.
We have so many ideas and opinions about what direction should be taken when guiding our little ones through life it can sometimes feel like every decision, every tid bit of wisdom we might bestow, and every second of interaction can create a domino effect with colossal repercussions. I’m probably over reacting, but if I’m not hyper analyzing every thing I do with and to her, I wouldn’t be me.
And on the same token what you can do or say to get your kid to just be quiet for one God forsaken moment is at times the most attractive path to take.
On my end there’s always a little guilt when I pick that path but I can’t be alone, right? We all feel fed up at times and sometimes our sanity has to be a factor. If we aren’t in a good place, it’s always tougher to relay our intentions in the manner intended.
It’s possible that obsessing over all of these outcomes and decisions could be more hazardous than beneficial. I realize that. I just feel it’s better to over prepare, plan, and conceptualize then the opposite.
Am I selfish at times in how I want her to develop? Of course!
I want her to be a genius, an athlete, a musician, have Christ in her heart, actively love others and be hospitable, give without thinking, and receive with gratitude.
I want her to be a fan of my favorite sports teams, listen to my favorite music, love my favorite books, play my favorite games, and enjoy my company like a best friend.
I need to fully accept that she could be or love any number of those things. And, hopefully not, but may identify with none.
A good sign for someone like me who is constantly questioning my choices and actions, someone who is an over thinker, is that my wife and I are only in the infantile stages of parenthood. We have plenty of time to be anxious about all of our parenting choices. Hopefully, in that same breath, we can be wise enough to take this parenting thing day by day and understand that we too are being taught lessons.
Our daughter has taught me just as much about myself as I have attempted to learn about her and her needs.
As dads, and as parents in general, if we keep our intent genuine, our hearts and heads in the right place, and always keep our children’s safety, healthy development, and happiness at the center of our efforts, the mistakes we make are forgivable. We must forgive ourselves and embrace that even though we’re so focused on the impact of our own parenting that we too will grow during this process.
-Shayne McKinney
