The Weight of it All

I remember sitting alone in the evening, after finding out I was going to be a father. I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my head. Just feeling overwhelmed with everything. I don’t think I slept for almost a week.

Becoming a father is something I took very seriously. My father has been a great role model for me, but I also had a terrible example of a father for most of my young life. I felt such raw emotions. I had many demons in my life I had buried and never fully confronted.

I felt so much pressure to be the best father I could possibly be. I have always had a difficulty managing my patience and knew that becoming a father would really test it. I remember during the pregnancy getting so irritated with the dog over the most trivial thing. Then immediately feeling this immense sense of guilt, realizing “oh my God, if I can’t even control my frustration with this dog how can I expect to control my temper with my child?”

I knew I had to make a change, hold myself more accountable. I did hard soul searching, really looked inward on places I can improve. I began reading a book based on fatherhood and preparing and what to expect.

I always had a desire to be a father, though I felt I wasn’t ready. I spoke to my Dad about how I wasn’t ready, and he said, “you’re never going to be ready. There are no books or planning that will truly prepare you, you just do it.”

I then spoke with Evelyn, shared my fears and doubts I had about myself. She reassured me that because I care so deeply then there is no way that I wouldn’t be a great father.

This gave me such a sense of clarity. She was absolutely right. If I didn’t care so passionately about being the best father that I could be then there would be cause for concern. Like I previously mentioned, I recognize where my folly’s lie, and fully expected to face my emotions I had concealed away for my son’s sake.

Fast forward to having a now one year old. I can honestly say it is not easy. It is difficult, it is frustrating at times. Still, I feel I have come so far. My patience is like night and day to what it once was.

Still, not a day goes by that I don’t think on the gravity of the matter of raising a child. So much revolves around the kind of parent you are. I catch myself thinking all the time, about the man Ezra will grow to become, and how it will be a direct reflection the man that I am now.

I place such an importance on raising Ezra to have proper traits in terms of his character and attitude. I want him to understand the difference between right and wrong, between being a leader and being a boss. I want to spoil him, but at the same time, I want him to understand that life may not always be handed to him. I want him to learn self-reliance, hard work and self-motivation, to strive to always do his best to better his situation.

Most of all though, I want him to learn to be happy and find the joy in all aspects of life. I want him to find comfort in the struggle of dedicating himself to his own betterment. I want him to learn to feel comfortable in uncomfortable situations.

It won’t always be easy, but looking forward and imagining him happy, truly happy, is the motivation that pushes me to take on the responsibilities I have placed on myself. Truthfully, it will be worth it all to make sure Ezra becomes the greatest version of himself.

-Brandon Morales