What a Change

The rush of the birth is still pounding. He is healthy, and he is perfect. Evelyn and I could not be more proud or happy. Now we finally have a chance to rest. Around 4:30am we were moved to our room we would stay in. The first night I wanted Evelyn to rest as much as she could, she went through such a long, nearly 29 hours of labor from the first night going to the hospital and being sent home to walking down the hallways trying to dilate more. She was an absolute trooper.

When we got to the room, we got settled in. I took the fold out chair and we hit the lights….within five minutes, Ezra is crying. “Welcome to parenthood” I thought.

I took him and handed him to Evelyn to feed him. After he ate, he calmed down and I set him down in the incubator only for him to cry once more. I took him and laid down with him myself so Evelyn could get the rest she deserved.

I remember trying to sleep but waking up absolutely paranoid every 5 minutes. Terrified and checking to make sure he was comfortable and not squished, thinking “Oh my god is he still alive and breathing!?!?!” I have never felt so much pressure in my life. This is a defenseless little baby; whose whole life is in my hands.

I felt the true weight of fatherhood hit me.

I felt such a weight of anxiety and fear hit me. Wave after wave. Imagining every terrifying thing that popped into my head. The whole time I am holding Ezra, all I am thinking is “Oh no, do not drop him!” Checking to make sure he was breathing over and over again.

Needless to say, I did not sleep.

Family came to the hospital in the morning, we had about four hours to ourselves, so around 9a.m. we started having guests. My parents, her parents, her sisters, my siblings, grandparents, some friends. Everyone wanted to meet our little boy.

Then it happened, he had his first “poop”. Now if you’re a father, or parent reading this, you know the first one. If you are not, then let me just describe this. It is like a black, tar, substance. That is the best way it can be described. I vividly remember Evelyn and I being so delicate trying to clean him.

Over the course of the day we had feeding specialist and other doctors come in to give us advice and also to check on how Ezra was doing. For any soon to be Dad reading this…I cannot stress this enough. LISTEN TO THEM! Everything they have to say. The more knowledge and understanding you have the better.

Ezra was having a tough time latching during feeding. It was discovered Ezra’s lingual frenulum (the piece of skin under your tongue that holds it to bottom of your mouth) was attached too much to the end of his tongue. It had to be snipped so he could have more movement of his tongue. They took him and performed the procedure and his circumcision all at once. I never felt worse in all my life.

That was, until they did his first blood work. The nurse came in to take a blood sample to test. They do this by pricking his heel and drawing blood. The scream of pain. My heart sank. I felt so awful. I know it’s necessary to ensure his health, but man…that was rough.

All of his tests (blood, hearing, sight) came back positive and we were told we could finally take our little boy home. We loaded the car and got him in his car seat. I drove, while Evelyn sat with him in the back. That was such a nerve-racking drive. I was driving with my hands at ten and two, staying in the slow lane, essentially doing everything I never do. But what can I say, its fatherhood. Motivated by fear and love.

The first few days were such an adjustment. He was born on a Tuesday and I was back at work the following Monday, we could not afford me being off work on leave for so long. I really had no choice but to get back to work immediately.

Sleeping, well it did not happen. He was awake every 2-3 hours. You nap when you can.

We decided on feeding him formula since Evelyn was going to be in school and would not have time to nurse him or pump enough milk for him during the day while she was in class.

During the nights Evelyn and I worked as a team. By the third night we were like a well-oiled machine. As soon as we heard him crying on the baby monitor, we sprang into action. One of us would go directly to Ezra and get him out of his crib and begin changing his diaper while the other one would be warming up his bottle. We would stay up together feeding him and getting him back to sleep.

It was during those long nights that I felt even more in love with Evelyn than I already did. We were sharing in the struggle together. It was difficult but we managed it as a team. Ezra would often times not want to fall back asleep quickly so he would need to be rocked to sleep. I became an expert at that. Often times taking him in my arms and walking circles in the living room with him while gently rocking him. Eventually just sleeping with him on my chest on the couch.

As time passed though, Evelyn and I adjusted and became more rhythmic in handling those first couple weeks.

Evelyn returned to school and I was at work. During the days My mom came from Downey to help care for Ezra for us. Being at work felt like a prison. I was just daydreaming of holding and hugging Ezra. All day, he was all I could think of. I remember talking with my dad and saying to him how I love Ezra so much, and he said he understood, but that as much as I think I love him now, it will continue to expound upon itself where you seem to just love him more and more as every day passes. I couldn’t fathom that because I couldn’t see how I could love him anymore than I already did.

My dad was right though. Every day that passed I just fell more and more in love with him. Every detail of him. Swaddling him (I became THE swaddler in the house. I had the best swaddling technique) and laying with him on my chest. It was the closest thing to heaven for me.

As the months passed it finally came time for his first Doctor’s appointment. I cannot stress to you enough the importance of finding a great doctor. Our pediatrician, Dr. Pumphrey, is as great as they come. He checked out our little boy and said he was doing great. The only thing we found was that he was having gassy issues and trouble pooping. Our Dr. suggested he may have stomach issues with the normal formula, so he provided us samples of different ones to test out. We thanked him and then he sent in his nurse for the shots.

Fathers, you know the drill. Soon to be fathers, this part is rough. We are asked to hold their arms outstretched while they hold the legs stretched out and administer the shots. The guilt I felt when Ezra initially got his bloodwork done was nothing compared to this. This was so much worse, because now I was directly involved with holding him while they did this. Evelyn allowed me to be the bad guy and backed into the corner then came rushing in to be the knight in shining armor for Ezra when it was all done. Thanks babe.

Time began to move at an alarming pace. It seemed like every day I came home from work Ezra grew. After our second visit, he was in the 102% for baby length. Now mind you, when he was born, he was fitting in preemie baby clothes, and now he’s exploding on this formula and is just dominating the size chart.

Watching our little boy get bigger and bigger it felt like it was a blur. Just an absolute surreal experience of constantly thinking “this is real, I am a father”. It is such a strange, warm, and comforting feeling. Every day that has passed has been an absolute blessing. The best ride I have ever been on.

-Brandon Morales